Not An Apology Note
by A Tomato Llama's World
Summary: "I'm not doing anything to change the situation as evident that I'm currently whining –defending myself to no one in particular except for my own self deception- that makes me indifferent." Implied Spamano
**Hola! I just thought up of some (terrible) angst just to appease my writer's block. I wrote this because I kind of feel like this would be Lovino's response to being the one that messes up in the relationship and he honestly has no idea how to deal with it; opting for the flight response rather than the fight response. Kinda like a _finding yourself and learning from it_ phase.
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I obviously don't do well with apologies. The whole humbling process is still a fairly foreign one to me. It doesn't get any easier when you're at home with your grandfather and perfectionist mother and all you ever really hear is how everyone else is wrong and they're right; so why should they apologize?

And I'll never understand how easily Feliciano can do it. I'm honestly kind of jealous he can spit those words out so easily. But he's the more likeable one. Even when he isn't grovelling and pleading at your feet people will let it go because he's just so. Damn. _LIKEABLE._

Unlike them, I'm the one who fucks it up. I'm the one in the wrong. _So just apologize_! I usually find that I can't. Because in the end, it doesn't feel real enough for me. And how the hell am I supposed to handle someone that won't stop reminding you and spreading it to any open ear? Just one crappy quote after another, proving the point that they can hold a grudge. Pathetic and vomit inducing, like some teenaged girl sobbing over an ex and playing all the sad songs. Unlike you, I actually keep personal matters off everyone's timeline or newsfeed.

To be fair, they could be talking about someone else. But c'mon I'm not that heartless. I know what I did. Yes your Honor, I plead guilty. However, what you call "indifference" I call "suffering in silence". I'm not doing anything to change the situation as evident that I'm currently whining –defending myself to no one in particular except for my own self deception- that makes me indifferent. Being plagued by the same issue, the same scenario, the whole "what if" and "should've" and "could've" phase, reminding myself why I'm a terrible person; that's what I call suffering in silence.

You never really cared about my own silent suffering anyhow. Did I bitch about it? No. I just let it pass.

It's really the "scratch the surface" kind of thing with you. I remember this one cartoon character said that the key to happiness is _lowered expectations._ Yeah, you should try that sometime. It can spare you the excess baggage. _What a letdown, isn't it? In the end, the one who disappointed you the most were the ones you had the highest hopes for and you thought you knew the most._

I will admit this one secret. I'm a picky person. I suppose I only ever give my best face to those who mattered to me the most. All the "I love you" and "I'm sorry" go to the people I want to have around. So what am I saying? I may not have exhausted you of everything there is to you because I chose to cut it short, supposedly having my fill. I guess you can say I'm willing to discard someone who's met their expiration date with me. I can cut off the ties; I can forget the history.. And then in the end you'll just be another faceless extra in my dreams. Sounds condescending and proud doesn't it? In a sense, it seems a bit utilitarian. After all, _user_ isn't exactly a politically correct term.

 _People aren't things, so why are you treating them like matches?_ Let them call it indifference and apathy. Cowardly even. I'll admit behind this much pride is a coward who doesn't know how to take responsibility for their own mistakes. Procrastinating their growth and character construction. It's an internal struggle that most authority types won't recognize because they were brought up in a different time. A time where being tough was how you made it through.

This will bite me back in the future because Karma is real. At least by then, I might've grown a little bit to strip myself of one more layer of pride and I'll be able to say, "Oh yeah I fucked up with that one" and it'll be part of a growing list of regrets because I've made the choice easiest for me. And yet that's how it is. We are all main characters of our own stories and what we want is for things to bend our way because: _It's my story!_ Self entitlement doesn't just apply to me...it applies to you. Yet my side was pretty much bullshit in your eyes so why should I bother? I'm giving up too early. As stated previously, it because you don't matter to me anymore. It's something I don't find worth fighting for anymore.

Thanks again for all the meaningful conversations and for all the knowledge I've acquired from you. I'll make sure at least that part won't be tossed aside so easily.

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 ***Sigh* Depressing...TT^TT Feel free to take this in any situation/scenario you want it in. I just need more creative writing juices. R &R is much appreciated and thanks for reading!  
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